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Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Thu Feb 26, 2009 2:50 pm

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Thu Feb 26, 2009 3:28 pm

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend.

The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggests, "The poppy?"

"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:57 pm

Little Johnny bursts into his mum and dads bedroom only to see his dad giving his mum one
His dad just laughs and says "Off you go Johnny"
A little while later Johhnys dad heres a commotion coming from the little mans bedroom
He bursts in and is totally shocked to see Johnny shagging his gran.
Johhny just looks up and says.. " Not so fuckin funny when its your mum now is it dad???"
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:02 pm

My paranoid girlfriend searched my jacket for traces of other females hair after i came in from a night out with the lads. She didn't find anything though. She accused me of sleeping with Jade Goody instead.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:03 pm

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:04 pm

Just bought the Jade Goody 2009 calender...flippin' rip-off, only goes up to March!!
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Willy on Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:08 pm

Shocked pale
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:09 pm

Jade Goody has signed yet another million pound TV Deal.

She'll be appearing in Most Haunted this Autumn.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:13 pm

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Willy on Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:14 pm

I honestly don't know why I'm sensitive about the Jade jokes, I really couldn't give a flying 747 fuck about her, but reading them makes me cringe. Sad
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:40 pm

StLedge wrote:Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

Awesome. lol!

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Mar 04, 2009 5:55 pm

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my X-box.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Mar 04, 2009 5:56 pm

I was in agony as the doctor removed the fourth one from my arse. Then it dawned on me that this was not a good option.

Cadbury's Cream Eggs - how do you eat yours?
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:49 am

The three best ways to let the whole world know:

  • Television


  • Telephone


  • Tell a woman

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:47 pm

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:53 pm

Do you have a picture? Then we can decide for ourselves.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:03 pm

Sorry Rob.

A young deaf-mute couple gets married. At first, they have sex with the lights on, in order to sign to each other.

One day, the woman asks, "Can we try to make love with the lights off?"

The man signs back, "OK, but how will you know when I want to make love?"

The woman signs, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once."

The man signs, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about 50 times."
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:33 pm

I was at the cash point yesterday getting some money out when an old woman approached me and asked me to help her check her balance, so i pushed her over

: I\'ll Get Me Coat :

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:36 pm

I went to the zoo yesterday to look at the monkeys wanking.

Then I went to see the crocodiles. I was still wanking.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:42 pm

Not really a joke:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a
Louisiana State University chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that
the professor shared it with colle agues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off
heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and
heats when it is compressed) or some va riant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are l eaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to ex pand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,‘ and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure
that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct…...leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
kept shouting ‘Oh my God.‘
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Thu Mar 19, 2009 10:06 am

A bloke walks into the doctor's with a problem down there and asks the doc to examine him.

After just a couple of minutes, the doc says, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Non-plussed the fella says, "Uh, yeah sure doc."

"Do you masturbate?" The doctor asks.

A little embarrased as to where this is going, the man answers, "Yes, sometimes."

The doc replies, "Brilliant, isn't it?"
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Thu Mar 19, 2009 11:17 am

got this off 606:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:37 am

Stephen Hawking is in hospital with 2 broken legs, a dislocated hip and a dislocated shoulder. It turns out he went out on a date, but the woman stood him up!


Last edited by StLedge on Tue Mar 24, 2009 12:30 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:44 am

Stevie Wonder in concert in Tokyo asks the audience for requests.

An old Japanese guy at the front asks for a jazz chord. Stevie plays a 15 minute jazz rendition bringing the house down.

"Play a jazz chord" shouts the old Japanese guy again.

Stevie plays another superb jazz melody.

"Play a jazz chord" the Japanese guy shouts again.

"If you're so clever, you come and play!" shouts Stevie. The Japanese guy grabs the mic "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Mon Mar 23, 2009 2:29 pm

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people... You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

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