Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius.
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Luis Suarez has apologised for not shaking hands with Evra.

"I didn't realise it was him," he said. "They all look the fucking same."

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An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.
No more mist & ice guy.

Lol @ the Evra joke.

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

Badoom tish!!!

The smallest pub I've ever seen was The Thalidomide Arms

Liverpool have finally taken home a trophy after six years: The Carling cup.

That's a bit like being single for six years and then bringing home Susan Boyle.

Paddy receives a phone call telling him that his house has been burgled,all of his beer stolen and his wife raped,
"fucking hell" he replies "i can't believe they shagged her after only four cans"

What's yellow and smells like bananas?

Spoiler:

A banana.

Depends if it's gone brown.

I phoned up a big company today to complain.

I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?"

The snooty woman on the phone said, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN."

I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

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Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon. You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.

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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight...to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

I was in the Pub the other night when i noticed two large women with broad accents talking very loudly,
On approaching them i asked "Are you Ladies from Scotland"?
"Its Wales you fucking idiot" one of them replied
"I'm sorry" i said "Are you two Whales from Scotland"?.......That's when all the trouble started