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Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Joe-Villa on Sat Mar 28, 2009 3:42 pm

was about 10 minutes before I put it up, I told Dodgy it on the chat box and he liked it and said I should put it up.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Sun Mar 29, 2009 1:22 pm

With that exact wording?
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Joe-Villa on Sun Mar 29, 2009 8:45 pm

Well it was a while ago, but simply...something like

"Hahahaha, put it on the Jokes forum"
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:32 am

it was my bad I did tell Joe to put the joke up.......(or was it a plan to get joe hated, hmmm)

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:33 am

Twisted Evil

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:36 am

Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts 'Oi, driver! You're losing your load!' Driver says 'Fuck off!'

5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts ' Oi, you're losing your load!' Driver again says 'Fuck off!'

5 miles further along, Paddy yells 'I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!'

Driver then shouts 'Will you go away you thick Irish cunt, I'm gritting!'
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:44 am

Racist Welsh bastard.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Joe-Villa on Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:03 pm

Ok, two guys are in the pub and they are talking about their weekends
One says to the other "I had the best weekend, i went for a walk, and found this girl tied to a traintrack, so I untied her and had a hot, passionate weekend filled with sex and all kinds of sexual activities"
His mate goes "Nice one Terry, did you get a blowjob?"
"Nah, couldn't find the head"
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:31 am

An Oirish Story.

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman




'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

cheers
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:33 am

Oh dear.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:58 am

Oh dear oh dear
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Wed Apr 29, 2009 1:11 pm

Oh dear oh dear oh dear









Though I did chuckle a little
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Wed Apr 29, 2009 1:17 pm

Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Rovers Girl on Wed Apr 29, 2009 4:22 pm

Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Fri May 08, 2009 2:41 pm

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days.


Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.


He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South !'
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Fri May 08, 2009 2:59 pm

Funny and southernist. Good job that man.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by BlueCabbage on Mon May 11, 2009 10:53 am

I went to an STD clinic the other day and all the girls in the waiting room looked filthy!

I thought to myself, "I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as some of these girls".

Then I remembered, she was, and that's why I was here.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by BlueCabbage on Mon May 11, 2009 10:55 am

The other day my girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm.

So at 6.45 this morning I put tape over her mouth and fucked her up the arse, when I was finished I whispered in her ear,'time to get up for work darling.'

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by BlueCabbage on Mon May 11, 2009 10:57 am

My wife gives me a hard time because I always beat our son at snap.
It's not my fault he has a stutter.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Mon May 11, 2009 12:30 pm

BlueCabbage wrote:The other day my girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm.

So at 6.45 this morning I put tape over her mouth and fucked her up the arse, when I was finished I whispered in her ear,'time to get up for work darling.'

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Fri May 15, 2009 1:45 pm

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to £738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by BlueCabbage on Fri May 15, 2009 1:49 pm

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by BlueCabbage on Fri May 15, 2009 1:51 pm

I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"

Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by BlueCabbage on Fri May 15, 2009 1:54 pm

A priest, a paedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar...

He orders a drink.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Tue May 19, 2009 11:34 am

http://www.mustsharejokes.com/page/Sexist+Jokes+about+Women

The above link is a very bad site. I posted it here to warn you not to go on this site, it is very offensive and derogatory to women. It is in no means funny in any way.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

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