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Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Joe-Villa on Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:37 pm

Josef Fritzl's Daugther's diary:

Tuesday - Stayed in
Wednesday - Stayed in
Thursday - Stayed in
Friday - Stayed in.
Saturday - I went to watch Burnley...should've stayed in.





Ps. Rather it be Blues, but you know..

*Editted*
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:15 am

Joe this is a joke thread, read by many different people, could you at least edit it?
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:49 am

I don't really think that joke is in good taste. No

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:53 am

I couldnt stop laughing when i read it

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Fri Mar 27, 2009 9:09 am

You're going to the hottest place in Hell. Evil or Very Mad

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Fri Mar 27, 2009 9:11 am

I kinda knew that at an early age rob, it has to be a sin to be as good looking as I am

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Fri Mar 27, 2009 9:48 am

I'm not saying I didnt chuckle, but there are some people that wont want to read it
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Fri Mar 27, 2009 9:53 am

yep yep i know

joe please edit it

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Fri Mar 27, 2009 10:01 am

even if you changed the Diary entry to : Stayed in.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Fri Mar 27, 2009 10:41 am

Editted.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:18 am

What did one Lesbian Vampire say to the other Lesbian Vampire?






Same time next month?
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:28 am

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:34 am

Accrington

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:39 am

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:45 am

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:56 am

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:58 am

101 things not to say when having sex.


1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?


Last edited by Reidy Youre a Star on Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:00 pm

100 things not to say when....?
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by rob_of_the_robots on Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:00 pm

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that!?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

"Well," the doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible! exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by RW on Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:04 pm

An old man is at the doctor's for a check up. As he's hard of hearing he's brought his wife along to make sure he doesn't miss anything.

After a few tests, the doctor tells the man that he's going to need a urine sample and a stool sample.

"What's he say?" The Gent asks his wife.

She replies, "He needs your underpants."
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by DodgyGambit on Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:06 pm

when in bed with a sheep?

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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Joe-Villa on Fri Mar 27, 2009 6:33 pm

Dodgy, why did you tell me to put that joke up, and then edit it once i posted it?
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Reidy Youre a Star on Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:04 pm

Because it was in bad taste.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by Joe-Villa on Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:06 pm

Yeah but that's what I mean?

why tell me to put it up in the 1st place, if your then going to ask me to edit it.
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

Post by StLedge on Sat Mar 28, 2009 12:11 pm

when were you asked to put that joke up?
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Re: Jokes, Jokes my kingdom for some Lemon Cheesecake

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